If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
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“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.