My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
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Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Okey dokey.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok