wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
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I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.