“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
You Might Also Like
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”