“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach

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I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.


After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.


Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.


What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.


The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.


Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond


I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.


Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.


*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*