@CourtneyStults1

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach

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@girl_a_whirl

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

@_Water_Baby

After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.

@AdamOfEarth

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

@UnfilteredMama

What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.

@BobGolen

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

@SkinnerSteven

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

@Jandalize

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

@Lisa_Laughs_

Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.

@TheBoydP

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*