@girl_a_whirl I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
@CourtneyStults1 “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
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@girl_a_whirl 
@IvoryGazelle [rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
@_Water_Baby After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
@AdamOfEarth Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
@UnfilteredMama What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
@BobGolen The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
@SkinnerSteven Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
@Jandalize I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
@Lisa_Laughs_ Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
@TheBoydP *holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*