“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
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The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off