Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
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Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.