Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
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5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I falcon love using swear birds
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife