I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
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Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I am HOWLING at this
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…