Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
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Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
cause of death:
autopsy.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait