@rebrafsim

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

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@RACarter

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

@1El_Jefe

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

@wolfpupy

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha

@MollyCocktail

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

@junejuly12

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

@TheAlexNevil

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

@NewDadNotes

Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.

Ketchup Packet: haha nope.

Me: come on man please.

Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.

Me: uh what?

Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.

Me: ugh fine.

[ketchup explodes everywhere]

Ketchup Packet: lol.

@scarebro

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.