[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
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Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?