[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
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Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Des Moines Police having a normal one
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what