I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
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“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Unimpressed
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
📽️movie date🎞️
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay