ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
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I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do