I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
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One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
nice challenge
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend