If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
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Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.