My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
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Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I want to meet the individual who made this
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog