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“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”