Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
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FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
My daily affirmation
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]