best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
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I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.