Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
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Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
The pen is writier than the sword.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Just got to our Airbnb!
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back