This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
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my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
President The Rock Obama
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.