What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
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As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
This why you should mind your business
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
🙂🙃🥹
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
The days of good grammer has went
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]