Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
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Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
🏙👨🏼
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.