cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
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A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.