I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

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Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.


Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad


If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s


I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.


They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.


Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!


If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.


People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer


The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.