@whereami18 Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
@Kyle_Lippert I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
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@whereami18 
@PaperWash Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
@smilely_gal Attention children:
Mom is closed.
@pharmasean If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
@SirEviscerate I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
@Lisa_Laughs_ They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
@SeeEllVee Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
@Eden_Eats If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
@mattZillaaaa People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
@TheFirstDudish The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.