@Kyle_Lippert

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

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@whereami18

Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.

@PaperWash

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

@pharmasean

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

@SirEviscerate

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

@Lisa_Laughs_

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

@SeeEllVee

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

@Eden_Eats

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

@mattZillaaaa

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

@TheFirstDudish

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.