Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!