I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
You Might Also Like
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Home #decor warning.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.