The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
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“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
The days of good grammer has went
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long