If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
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I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
pictures of spider-man
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁