I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
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“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*