Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
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one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
My new favorite headline
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.