TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
You Might Also Like
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work