BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
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Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold