Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
You Might Also Like
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’