Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
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I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Check out the legs on this baby
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake