Watermelon Boss!
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The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?