Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
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I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark