got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
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“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable