In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
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It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Wise advice
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
broke down and did it