Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
You Might Also Like
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish