Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
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I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Spa day..😅
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed