Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
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I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi