If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
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You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
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honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
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I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor