If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
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[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
How I’d get arrested…
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm