If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
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I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Yes my dude
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
The First Farmer
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.