A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
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Me sliding into hell like
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.