You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
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Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆![]()
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?