You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
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Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
This could be us but you eatin’
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
A dad and his duck
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul