My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
You Might Also Like
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
i will avenge u mr van gogh
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.