I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
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My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list