My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
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I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Care for your back
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates