God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
You Might Also Like
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows