I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
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I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.