I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
You Might Also Like
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
you will never know the true number of layers
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.