you will never know the true number of layers
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LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
2022 be like
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.