My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
![]()
You Might Also Like
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
![]()
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast